Random Ramblings

Monday, April 25, 2005

What a fool am I....

Well after this weekend I realized I forgot one top notch talent from the list and have added her in her proper position (see below). I have also taken 3 ladies off the list for a few reasons. Neve Campbell is gone to make way for the once forgotten hotness of #4. Gwen Stefani was taken off because she’s not the No Doubt “Don’t Speak” Gwen of old. I mean come on in her current single she is spelling the word “bananas” in it, so she had to go. Shakira left the list as quickly as her career left the US. Now there are 3 wildcards at the bottom of the list…

#25. ???
#24. ???
#23. ???
#22. Carmen Electra
#21. Sheryl Crow
#20. Lauren Graham
#19. Victoria
#18. Faith Hill
#17. Trish Straus
#16. Denise Richards
#15. Jennifer Garner
#14. Heather Graham
#13. Nancy O’Dell
#12. Molly Sims
#11 Jennifer Love Hewitt
#10. Chely Wright
#9 Jennie Finch
#8 Kristen Davis
#7. Halle Berry
#6. Anna Davlantes
#5. Aishwarya Rai
#4 Charlize Theron-Oh the error of my ways I had forgotten the lovely Ms Theron on the original list but have a perfectly understandable explanation. Let me explain…everytime I see her I think wow that Charlize is one lovely lady EXCEPT the last thing I saw her in was Monster. While her performace in the movie was Oscar worthy I wouldn’t exactly call her “lovely” in the film. That is the reason that she was left off the original list. I will call it the “Monster Factor”. Sorry for slighting you for such a time Charlize, I’m sure you understand.
#3. Veronica Varekova
#2. Catherine Zeta-Jones
#1. Kate Hudson

Thursday, April 21, 2005

More Chimps Gone Wild

Earlier this week there was a story about a Arizona SWAT team trying to get a grant to get a some kind of monkey for the SWAT team. The police said they would outfit it with a Kevlar vest and a camera and it could help with different situations the SWAT team deals with. Dude a monkey in a aKevlar vest rules. Well another story here today from the Chicago Tribune and for reasons I can't explain I think this story rules. Check out how bad this dude got his ass kicked by some chimps in red below….

No Charges Filed in Chimps' Attack
Kern County D.A. says ranch owners secured the animals, but one was able to slip a lock. A West Covina man was terribly maimed.

By Amanda Covarrubias and Hector Becerra
Times Staff Writers
Published April 21, 2005

Chimpanzees who viciously attacked a man last month at an animal sanctuary near Bakersfield managed to open the locked gate to their enclosure, according to a report released Wednesday by the Kern County Sheriff's Department.

The report, which offered the first full account of the March 3 attack that left a West Covina man maimed and near death, came as prosecutors announced that the operators of the Animal Haven Ranch would not face criminal charges.

Virginia Brauer, who owns the ranch with her husband, Ralph, was cleaning the cages that morning and left two of three gates within the chimpanzee compound unlocked, investigators said. The four chimps pushed those doors open.

At the third gate, authorities said, one of the chimps pulled out a 4-inch steel pin that locked the door in place.

Animal behavior experts consulted by the district attorney believe that the chimps were determined to get out of the enclosure because they were jealous of the attention that LaDonna and St. James Davis were giving to their own chimp, Moe, who lives at the sanctuary. The couple had gone to the private sanctuary south of Lake Isabella that day with a cake to celebrate the chimp's birthday.

Wildlife experts said Wednesday that they were not surprised the chimps got free.
"Chimps are incredibly smart animals. They manipulate things all the time. They're thinkers," said Jennie McNary, curator of mammals at the Los Angeles Zoo. "They have the ability to reason and figure things out. They can handle things with their fingers just like we can. It's certainly within their ability to unlock a lock with a key."

Although the Sheriff's Department and the state Department of Fish and Game urged prosecutors to file charges against Virginia Brauer, Kern County Dist. Atty. Edward Jagels concluded that her actions were not criminal.

"The chimps were locked in a locked cage," Jagels said Wednesday. "What you have is a terrible tragedy, but it is not a crime."

According to investigators, the two male and two female chimpanzees were in an open, caged area while Brauer was cleaning the cinder-block bunkhouse where they slept and watched TV. The steel door that leads to the bunkhouse was locked.

When the Davises arrived, Brauer hurriedly left the bunkhouse to greet them and help carry food they had brought. But she had not secured the door inside the bunkhouse or the one that leads outside.

One of the female chimps probably reached about 18 inches through a tight space between the chain-link fence and the block wall and popped the metal pin out of the steel door's locking mechanism. She then turned 90 degrees and slid the door open to the bunkhouse.

Once inside, the chimps got free by pushing open the two unlocked doors. The two males attacked the Davises for up to seven minutes before a worker at the facility shot the animals. The females ran into the mountains, where they were later caught.

St. James Davis lost all of his fingers from both hands, an eye, part of his nose, cheek and lips, and part of his buttocks. The chimps bit off LaDonna Davis' thumb.

Some ape experts said chimpanzees are highly intelligent creatures who could easily unlock some cage doors.

"They have nothing but time on their hands," said Deborah Fouts, director of the Chimp and Human Communication Institute at Central Washington University. "They probably know every inch of [the enclosure]. Those of us who have worked with captive chimpanzees know that they're ingenious and that they figure ways to get out, especially if they're bored and have nothing else to do."

She said chimps in Zambia have learned that if they lean branches against electrified fences, they can climb over without being shocked.

Her institute has footage of chimps trying to pick a lock with a piece of metal. Chimpanzees in Oklahoma have spent hours trying to unravel chain-link fences with some success, Fouts added.
"It's completely easy to understand how they could do this," Fouts said. "They know their area. I'm surprised Ms. Brauer didn't know they could do this."

Experts said the ferocity of the attack on the Davises was highly unusual. Sheriff's Department and state Fish and Game officials said Brauer should have been prosecuted for three misdemeanor violations: failure to keep animals under control, failure to keep cages completely enclosed and failure to house animals to prevent escape.

But Jagels said the evidence wasn't there.
"Had there been some evidence that Mrs. Brauer was aware that the lock could be manipulated, a misdemeanor prosecution might be appropriate," Jagels said in a statement. "However, there was no such evidence."

Sheriff's Cmdr. Hal Chealander said he had no problem accepting Jagels' decision.
"It was very clear that Virginia Brauer cared very much for those animals and cared properly for them," Chealander said. "We've done our job."

Fish and Game spokesman Patrick Foy said officials would look closely at the facts before determining whether to renew the Brauers' permit to operate an animal shelter.

The permit expired last month, but the Brauers have been operating on an extension. They were not available for comment Wednesday.

"They have a perfect record of having a secure facility and never had problems before," Foy said. "But there has been a major exception, which is obvious."

The Davises' attorney, Gloria Allred, said someone should be held accountable.
"Even though there is a decision not to file criminal charges, it is obvious there must have been negligence by someone in order for the chimps to have escaped from their habitats," Allred said in a statement. "We believe if an appropriate lock had been installed by the owners of Animal Haven, the chimps would not have escaped."

The Davises, who live on a fixed income and have no medical insurance, have incurred hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical bills, Allred said. Animal Haven Ranch also has no liability insurance coverage, she said. The Davises had kept their chimpanzee Moe at their home until safety concerns forced them to place him at the Kern County ranch.

LaDonna Davis visits her husband every day at Loma Linda University Medical Center, where he is in an induced coma and has undergone more than a dozen surgeries. She said in an interview Wednesday that her only concern is for his rehabilitation.
"I want him to know I'm there for him," she said.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Weekend O' Fun

This weekend was full of good times. Friday we really didn't do much since its Friday and all. Saturday we went to the Cardinals game in Milwaukee. Nate didn't get any autographs so he was a little sad but he was fine. One thing I noticed up there is that a lot of crap talking going on by Brewers fans because they figured I'm with my kid I'm not going to do anything. I have to say they were right I'm not going to get into some crap with the Natester. We were in the family section which is no alcohol section the bad news the two sections to its right the alcohol flows like water. I did come up with some good retorts to use next time dudes get full of liquid courage. Ah it doesn't matter the Cardinals didn't lose a game up there all weekend.

Saturday night I watched the UFC card, it wasn't too bad. Randy Couture got knocked out and I didn't realize that Matt Hughes was from Illinois.

Sunday helped my brother move and then we went to that TV preview thing Sunday night and good times were had. Before they let us in they told us we we're going to see a romantic thriller and a comedy. We figured since we had nothing better to do we'd stay. Before we we're waiting to go in we made fun of the folks also waiting to get in. There was a guy there who had at least 7 pounds of keys hanging from his belt loop. We get inside they ask us what we do I tell the guy I work for the CIA out of the Chicago office. Then the fun really begins….

The first show is a romanitc thriller based on some movie I never saw. The story dealt with like loves lost in past lifetimes. It was really crap. Think of the worst thing you've ever seen on TV then multiply that to the 10th power and that's how bad this show was. So they asked us questions of what we thought of the show and I wrote something like "This show was like the worst Lifetime movie ever made. I would rather have rectal bleeding than to have to watch a show like this." This show was about 45 minutes long and I was just hitting stride for my comments on the second show.

The second show was a terrible sitcom about Valerie Harper as a city manager. I guess some producer may be looking at doing a new comedy with Valerie Harper…..yes you read that right Valerie Harper. So we watch the show, it sucks too. The crowd there was actually laughing at it though I couldn’t believe it. The show was pretty old as in the first scene Valerie Harper is show puttin shoulder pads in her shirt. Even if I saw this show when it was originally produced it still wouldn't be funny. Next up is the questions about the show and we can fill out a little comment thing. For this one I wrote something like this, "I think that if I were to watch a show like this that my future children would come out retarted. I think watching a show this bad would affect my sperm count." The most I can hope out of it is that some person entering this data gets a laugh out of it.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Wow this country is great

From the Times Argus in Barre VT:

Youth pleads innocent to head theft
April 14, 2005
From Staff/Wire reports
HYDE PARK – A Morrisville teenager is being held on $100,000 bail after pleading not guilty to charges he raided a tomb in a cemetery and removed the head of the corpse.

Nickolas Buckalew, 17, faces up to 25 years in prison for the alleged April 8 theft. He was charged Monday with disinterring and disturbing the remains of a person, damaging a crypt and damaging grave markers.

Lamoille County State's Attorney Joel Page said Buckalew's lengthy "rap sheet" led him to seek the high bail. The 17-year-old has seven convictions on his record and was on furlough from custody at the time of the alleged theft. Page also said Buckalew tried to commit suicide while he was in police custody.

Buckalew will undergo a psychiatric evaluation and will likely have a competency hearing before the case proceeds. While Page said he recognizes the strange nature of the crime, he's not willing to concede that Buckalew is mentally ill.

"This is an inherently disturbing case, so it's a natural assumption people would make that he's a disturbed person," Page said Wednesday. "But that's not a legal assumption we're making at this time."

Police first began investigating the crime after hearing about the incident from local residents, said Chief Richard Keith of the Morristown Police Department.

Keith said police at first could not believe what they had heard. But when they went to Morrisville Cemetery and investigated, they found that someone had, indeed, broken into a tomb, broken open the casket and removed a man's head. The man died three years ago.

"We had the funeral director come to the scene and we pulled the casket out. Yes, indeed, we found remains and they had been disturbed," Keith said.

Police say they have a strong case against Buckalew because remains and evidence were found in a silo near the suspect's home outside the village and close by the cemetery.

"Within minutes we found the duffle bag with the remains in it and tools that were used to enter the tomb and the casket," Keith said.

"The (entombed man's) widow was in shock," the chief said. "She did not want any information. She did not want to know any details."

Authorities are not sure of the motive for the crime. Court documents said the suspect allegedly talked of using the man's head as a "bong," a pipe for smoking marijuana.

As Larry the Cable Guy would say, "That's funny right there I don't care who you are."

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Working more on my future standup career.

Just a rough draft here.
This is based on something that happened this weekend….quite possibly the stupidest thing I've done in like 8 years probably…

A little back ground :

"The Office"--This will be described in an earlier bit in the act about my goal of not touching anything in a public restroom. Delving into my neurosis of you never know what goes on in a public bathroom and also dealing with a young son who wanted to touch everything in the Office when he was younger (he has since been broken of this need)

Later on in the act I go into this bit (this is kind of a rough draft and has less freestyling once its in the act):

Have you ever done something so dumb that you begin to question your own intelligence. Something so dumb that you don’t realize it once you've done it but didn't notice it until say half a day later? You know some people may cast a vote for Ralph Nader for President and then realize after stepping out of the booth "Wow that was pretty dumb." Some people may have sex with an intern stick a cigar in certain places on her and then realize that it was a dumb thing to do……well maybe that's not the best example because they may never . Anyway you know deep down in your heart of hearts you've done something dumb, it may have been six months ago it may have been this week but don't lie to yourself we're all prone to do dumb things. My name is Kevin and I've done something dumb. It all started out innocently enough a Friday at work you know get to dress "casual" because my company is so…HIP!! No really jeans and a shirt oh they are too kind to us. Well it was a normal day I get out of the shower get dressed and go into another great day of work. While I was driving to work I realized that something just wasn't right yet couldn't put my finger on exactly what the problem was. I slave away at work and my concerns of something just not being right were cast from my mind as I was busy at work surfing the internet…for work research really. Okay it wasn't research but it does make me wonder what people did before the internet to screw around at work. So I get through the day and have a meeting after work and all is well. My earlier problems with something being a bit off seemed to melt away in early weekend bliss. After the meeting I had to stop at the great Target stoer to pick up something I really didn't need no doubt. Well as I was at the store I felt the urge to hit "the office". I enter the office and get all ready to drpo the kids off at the pool. As I sit there I look down and realize the thing that was not right all day. The tightness around my ass the looseness up front. I had realized……I had my underwear on backwards all day. I would like to tell you that this oversight and wardrobe malfunction occurred that morning as I was quickly getting dressed after getting up late after an all night sex carnival with various swimsuit models but I would be lying then. How did this happen? I did something dumb. You would think that the unnatural tightness around by buttock region earlier in the day would have been a hint but maybe to a normal person not this dumb guy.

I'm also working on a bit titled "I hate Walmart….but it loves me."